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gOt_ThE_cRaZiEs
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Name: Sunnie
Birthday: 1/19/1988
Interests: Squirrels, things that turn, MUSIC, dancing, Guys... guys with glasses are even hotter.. most of the time, food, sports meaning High School Football and NFL, movies, gothic cartoons, parks with massive spider webs! *shudders*, THE MOD, cookie monsters..mm .., setting things on fire, hating IB, car rides with music blasting, My Sexy Man *sigh*, wishing for that ONE thing, My biology class, cheese, Playing Dear Diary, Code Red, I wanna marry the guys from Kill Hannah, Vintage clothed hotties, Swinging at the park at 2 AM, Drawing/Painting.. once I get my skills back I'll let you know, and I dunno...
Expertise: Squirrels,Kick Farts, catching a water bottle AFTER it splashes on me, Criminal Justice, Being very slow in the head, Saying things that don't make sense, falling... hard,loving and being there for my friends who are my life
Occupation: Executive
Industry: Legal
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  gotthecrazies
Member Since:
11/2/2004
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| Ok so obviously this relationship is going downhill. After I made an ass of myself Tuesday night I wrote you a letter and you haven't said anthing about it. It's like you didn't even take the time to read it. It was joel's bday today and when I called you you were in Keller making dinner which means you were at mel's place cooking. I mean why is it that I lose my best friend when I get the title of girlfriend?? And why is it that I feel like I have to compete with her just to be able o get some alone time with you?? I just don't understand. A new vagina comes into your life and like all of a sudden you forget about me. I don't wanna be in this relationship if I'm gonna lose you to some other girl who is just your friend. I know you're probably not attracted to her like that but fuck really?? You see her everyday cause she's also your boss but you can't stand seeing me everyday like you used to. This is some bullshit and I know that when you go down to Austin for new years eve she's probably going with you. New years kiss was a big deal to me. Now it's another year lost. I should've broken up with you a long time ago but I can't because I'm apparently in love with you. All my friends see it and I've dug myself into this hole and if we do break up I don't know how I will get
over it. I just want you to be back in my life before you got a job, before you met her, before we were official. I just want my best friend back. | | |
| Damn it's been forever since I've written in here.. Oh well.
I just can't stop thinking that there is something wrong with my relationship. I'm missing something. I feel paranoid all the time that he's actually with her. Yea I know they're friends and she's definitely not the body type he likes... But I can always be wrong. It's happened to me before. Lately I've been a total bitch I'll admit that but it's not like he's been prince charming either. He's been a dick towards me to and so therefore comes the bitch part. If you say you're gonna call me then actually do it. Don't make me wait for it and then have me look like a bitch cause I get mad at you for it. If you make a promise to me, then keep it and if you break then I have a good reason to be mad at you.
At some point I actually wanna feel like I'm supposed to be with you, like I'm supposed to actually be your girlfriend. I felt more like your girlfriend in the summer when we weren't together more than I do right now. I don't wanna be apart of this if it was just for convience. I want you to know how fucking lucky you are to have me. For everything that I've done for you. I'm waiting on the return favors for them. I mean hell all I want for Christmas from you is a date. An actual date. We won't be spending new years eve together cause you're deciding to go down to Austin and I have a feeling that you're going with your friends that include her but not me. So there goes my kiss which may not be a big deal to you but it is to me. Calling you during the countdown just to say happy new years is not the same as being able to count down with you and have you be my first kiss for the new year.
Maybe this relationship is not gonna work out. Maybe i've gotten myself to far in to where I can't get out. If I end it, I'm afraid of everything I'll lose. If I don't end it, I hope that things get better in the long run and I won't spend all my time thinking if everything is worth it, if you're worth it. I wish I knew all the answers. | | |
| It's funny how I knew some way or another you would come back to me. I just knew that in a matter of time after y'all were broken up that you would call or text me. So what do you know. Saturday comes around as I'm on my way to the game and your number pops up. Even though I deleted your number I still could always remember the digits. I'm kinda glad that we hung out and talked and caught up. As much as I hated you for what you did, I never stopped thinkin about you, wondering how you were, or what you did today but most of all ... I never stopped loving you.
I waited for almost a year to hear you say "I'm sorry". It was maybe the best apology I've ever heard.
So whats in store now? I don't know. I know right now that I can't trust you but if we keep seeing each other maybe I'll learn to trust you again. I have to be careful and straight forward this time around with us. I can't have you hurt me like that again.
So let a new us begin.... | | |
| It's a Tuesday and I realize right now that I am drinking trashcan punch and getting drunk to get rid of my problems. I know I am not an alcoholic. Those are the type of people that drink everyday, all day. I drink socially on the weekends, but there's a huge exception to drinking right now. I am stressed out of my mind.
All my life I've been pressured into making good grades. The fact that I have to support my entire family after I get a job gets interated into my head everyday by my aunt. The fact I found out I only had year left in college to get my degree was a mistake to tell my sister. She told everyone I was graduating early. There's no pressure there right? Wrong! I have to push my graduation off til the summer or maybe even December cause my schedule doesn't work out. Frankly, I am not doing well at all in my international business law class. I could very well fail. I've never failed a class in my life, except for Feldstein's class, but that's a different story cause he hated me. I always, ALWAYS feel pressured to achieve the highest grades, the highest occupation, the money maker when I very well know that I cannot. I feel like I'm going to disappoint. And when I disappoint, I get into trouble. I am not perfect. I cannot keep doing this. I will fail at some point. I'm not always going to be on top. It's impossible, especially when I work all the time.
I know I am not home all the time. I don't feel like I'm part of the family. I sleep late on Sundays cause that's my day off and I can sleep as much as I can get. Somehow that turns into me being seen as lazy. I don't think my family understands that I go to school all the time, I try as hard as I can to make good grades for them and that I work 35-40 hours a week. Not even for me, but for them. It was never my real choice to go to UTA. It was just because of the circumstances. I get yelled at for not scheduling my classes around the times my mom needs to be on dialysis, I get yelled at for not getting certain days off for special occasions when you tell me the day of or a few days before, I get yelled at for home at 5am on Friday nights, the nights I chose to have my weekly pool night down at Pockets with a few friends to catch up, I get yelled at for forgetting to pick up/pay for my mom's medicine on time, I get yelled at for getting tattoos, I get yelled at for a having a guy over who is just a friend, I get yelled at for every little thing. I am FUCKING TIRED OF BEING YELLED AT FOR STUPID SHIT! Everything I've done so far has not been for me, its been for somebody else. The only thing is that keeps me in school is the fact that I want to be lawyer one day but at the price of what? Feeling like I don't belong? Feeling like I'm not good enough to meet everyone's standards? Feeling like no matter what I do, NOTHING is ever as perfect as everyone else wants it to be. I am me. I work hard, I study, I take care of everyone else. I sometimes forget how to take care of me. I know that I am a damn fucking strong person. I hardly ever cry. EVER. I am a grown ass woman and know how to handle the responsibilities I am given but I cannot, cannot take everything in at once. I am overwhelmed.
I dont hang out with girls too often because I am just tired of all the drama. I don't need your extra shit into my life that I already have. Your problems is your problems. Yes, I am willing to help you out but when its the same things that happen over and over again, just fucking stay away from me. You're stupid for not figuring it out and I've done all I can but unless you figure out what's wrong for yourself, I can't be there for you. I hang out with guys for the most party and right now that is killing me. All my guy friends are off in schools far away from here. It's why I haven't been feeling myself. I dont't know how to hang out with girls really anymore, its just how I am. Guys are just easier to hang with without the drama and I miss it. I can't wait for Joel, Jer and Justin to come home.
As for the guys I supposedly am into... you're wasting my time. One week we're cool and the next two weeks or so you'll choose to ignore me and then start talking to me again. One day you'll say you'll hit me up and never will nor answer any of my messages. WTF?!? If you are what you say you are, I have yet to see it. It's hiding behind something. Honestly, if you're afraid to hurt my feelings, that shit was taken a long time ago with Karl. Be straight, don't play games. I have little time for enjoyment and I'd rather not deal with that.
For the girls.. if I say I want to be left alone for a few weeks.. it means exactly just that. Just LEAVE ME ALONE. I can't have you texting or calling me. I WILL IGNORE YOU. I need to be by myself. I cannot hang out with vaginas for long periods of time. It's how I am.
Thanks for listening to my blog.. I am going to pass the fuck out now...
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| Its been so long since I've written in here and I almost forgot that I had a xanga today. It's been a shitty few months with all the drama thats happened after the break up.. I stupidly let it affect me and my grades kinda slipped but they didn't slip so much that I was failing. After the break up I thought I would fall back into the absorption of failing and dive into drinking excessively for weeks on end, vicariously take drugs and just party leaving the pain to be numbed by all the toxics.. but instead I didn't and I was proud. I ended up taking out all my anger and sadness into working out. I cut them out of my life for good. no phone numbers, no myspace, no facebook.. they're all deleted. I've grown to look into the friends that were by my side and showed how loyal and true of friends I really and they're the ones that I really need to keep in my life.
I've realized that the friends I have now are the ones that are going to grow old with me. They'll see me get married, have kids, watch my kids have kids, and have races in wheelchairs with me in the retirement home. I'm learning to watch out for those who try to manipulate my words and those who are shady. I watch out for new friends that I make and put them to the test to see if they're really the friends I wanna keep in my life. I wanna see if they're loyal, honest people. I for one hate liars and cheaters. Those are the ones I cut out of my life.
Since then, each day I'm growing with more responsibilities in life to take on considering I will be a senior this upcoming fall. I'll be graduating with my BA in the spring. Scary. Each day I'm slowly gettin closer to livin in the real world with a real 9-5 job. Even more so, I'm gettin out of my emotional rut. I'm no longer that sad or angry as I have been before. I'm moving on with my life. I'm forgetting him and her. I don't however forget what they did to me. I do hold grudges but only because those grudges are worth keeping. I swear that I will have my encounter one day and on that day all hell will break lose and I triumph.
Its summer now. I'm starting into my normal summer routine minus the working out part because I enjoy my sleep that I've been getting since I usually don't get too much of it. I'm reading books for pleasure once again. For once this summer, I don't have a clue about a story to write. I told Joel about that and he said "Its because there's no drama in your life" and he's exactly right. Since the summer began there has been no real drama to deal and I am so happy. Life is simple and relaxing for once. Its the way life should really be lived. Now I know how the Europeans feel with their carefree lives. Their lives revolves around pleasure: living and eating. I'm looking forward to the rest of the summer and what else lies ahead as I'm putting myself back together on a path that will lead me to success and I will cut anyone out of my life who decides to lead me off of that path. | | |
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